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12/1/11

I painted a picture with my penis, and this is the result (warning: buttcheek sighting)

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about a famous artist named Pricasso, and boasted "Well, if HE can do it, so can I."

I asked for ideas to paint, and the randomly selected subject was:  My Girlfriend.

I started with these materials...

Technically those are FINGER paints...
...and this photo for inspiration...

A candid of my girlfriend
I sketched out the basic layout I wanted, deciding the laptop was more of a distraction and could be left out of the painting (that, and I didn't know how much detail work I would be able to do with my "paint brush")


I started painting, and found out a few fun facts when using your penis as a paintbrush...

First off, the texture of the canvas is, well, interesting. Trying to find words is kind of difficult, actually.  The cold smoothness of the paint coupled with the dry coarseness of the canvas... well... yeah.  Interesting.

The penis also has a naturally 'broad' brush stroke.  You can fix this (and add more detail to the picture) by squeezing parts of it to a small tip, then dabbing the paint on a smaller surface.  When doing shadowing (hair, shoulder blades) this technique comes in handy.

Handy... trying to forgo the puns here, but it's hard... (gah! did it again!)

All in all, I think I did fairly well.  I changed the background a little, and couldn't quite capture all the curves I wanted to, but considering this is my first painting (AND WITH MY WANG, NO LESS) I'm pretty pleased.

At first, I wanted to hold an auction for the painting.  If I'm ever a world-famous blogger, this thing could be worth big bucks.  However, my gf likes it too much.  She wants it, and is considering framing it.

Maybe that means I'll have to do another one later, for sale to the public?

Oh... and you don't need to ask.  Like a good artist, I signed my work...

Can you guess HOW I signed it???
I await your harsh criticism.  Today, everyone gets to be an art critic!!
Please Share it! :)

49 witty retorts:

The Angry Lurker said...

Well it's definitely an exotic piece...you're early period?

Lady Estrogen said...

I love it so much!
I'm jealous that she gets to keep it, but it IS a portrait of her, so I gueessss that's fair.

Well done!
And remember, I'm an art teacher, so that just ain't smoke blowing up your ass.

Maybe we should do a trade; I'll do one with my nipples ;)

Pickleope said...

Unbelievable. It's not the size of the brush, it's the strokes of the artist. (I may have to workshop that saying) It's actually really good. Well done.

Haven said...

I'm am in complete and utter AWE. Srsly. I wish I had a penis =(

Melanie said...

All things considered, that is really awesome. I don't blame her for wanting to keep it! I think you might be on to something!!

Gini said...

LMAO. That's actually impressive! Now I wish I had a weenus of my own to paint with.

Michael said...

You did an awesome job! I wonder if I can convince my bf to paint me something. Maybe we'll start off with something easier... like a sun.

The Simple Dude said...

Not bad!

Ironically, a bit of dude side butt cheek is exactly the way I was hoping to start my day.

SD

Adsila said...

Damn, your penis is very talented.....enough said.

Bart said...

lol wait wut... how did u get your penis inside those paint containers to get the paint out...wut

Ray Rousell said...

eeerrrrrrrrrr?

danjor21 said...

That's awesome! I wish my penis could do that! Now I sound like I have penis envy...wtf?

And what would a penis paint post be without all the puns? Whether intentional or not!

Josie said...

My first thought was definitely how did you get the paint out of the tiny containers.
My second thought was "Damn, I wish I had a penis."
My third thought was....nipple painting???

And then I punched myself.

Shutterbug said...

I'm impressed! With the painting, that is.

Random Girl said...

Wow, I'm impressed with your...flexibility.... with this medium. The painting is actually quite nice and a loving tribute to your woman... from your penis...it's so... sweet???

squatlo said...

I don't know why, but I was expecting a much smaller painting.

Still, that's not a bad effort, considering the tools (tool?) used for the detail work. I'm afraid someone would walk in on me in mid-painting and have me committed to one of the local loony bins as a sexual deviant...

Karen said...

Well done my friend! I am actually impressed! I was expecting something akin to a 5 year old's finger painting, but u actually did a good job! I'm intrigued by Lady E's nipple painting offer...hmmm

Jazz said...

That's really good!! You definitely need to do another one to give away or auction. Who knows, Pricasso may have some competition!

Would you do bachelorette parties? :P

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

Haha nicely done... I'm not sure I could do any better with my member... hopefully you used non toxic paint!

the Tsaritsa said...

Fabulous! You really should do more and auction them off, maybe do a giveaway?

D4 said...

WAY it actually looks effing AWESOME. I wanna try now! I will some day. Hopefully on a live model, you know. Keep things exciting.

Guiltless Miss said...

This doesn't suck! Finger paint..good idea, your penis and fingers often go in the same places. Next time use flavored body paints so your girl can help with the clean up between colors! I think each female you paint, you should...paint a pearl necklace. I am just tickled pink by the idea! You're absolutely a-head of the game with your masterpiece! Who else could pull this off?! Maybe people can start sending you pics to turn into paintings :)

According to Jewels said...

dick art, while amazing and awe inspiring isn't exactly what I want hanging on my walls. The details you shared for techniques was...um...enlightening. haha. I'm actually pretty impressed with the quality of the painting kudos to you and your penis, Sir.

Gucci Mama said...

I am very impressed!

Lost.in.Idaho said...

@Lady E: Just do one with your nipples because it's fun. Bonus points if it's OF your nips, BY your nips. (yo dawg...)

@Bart & Everyone else wondering how I got my ween into those tiny fingerpaint containers: The paint comes out. I used a few paper plates to pour out the colors, mix for shading, etc. So yeah... rub my junk on the paint, rub my junk on the canvas. Rinse and repeat.

@Random Girl: Nothing screams 'from the heart' like a gift from the loins, eh?

@Squatlo: Is that a size joke???

@Jazz: OOOH. I like your idea about bachelorette parties...

@Sub-Radar-Mike: Non-toxic? Rut roh...

@Guiltless Miss: BRILLIANT! I love the pearl necklace idea. I kind of did it with this painting, but she was wearing a silver chain, not pearls. But the necklace IS there... that would be a fun 'trademark!'

@Jewels: You know it turned you on in a twisted, twisted way...

@Gucci: Thank you. Apparently I'll be available for parties soon... Call me!

middle child said...

The coolest thing EVER! I love the signature.

socalsek said...

God I hope this idea doesn't turn into a chain. Those "paint-a-pot" stores freaked me out.

Rusty said...

Did you have to leave your "brush" in turpentine over night? That would have been awkward...

Great work mate, it is really impressive

painting looks alright as well

Anonymous said...

What further proof could one need that we evolved from a primate species than the deficient intellectual capacity exhibited herein.

Lady in Red said...

Omg lol.... you're such a nut! But what an awesome painting and no wonder your gf didn't want to give it up. Not many ladies can boast about having a penis portrait done by their boyfriend. Very cool.

Anonymous said...

Are you circumcised?

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

Why yes, yes I am... why do you ask?

Chris Bird said...

I thought I had commented on this before, but probably on G+. Anyhow, nice work. Name your price for a frontal.

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

Actually, I was thinking it would be fun to take requests. If someone wants to commission a painting, I'll make sure to take plenty of 'in progress' shots to prove the brush-stroke authenticity...

Wily Guy said...

Umm, that's some weird "why would I ever want to do that" stuff.

Michael A. Walker said...

I must admit I'm impressed (with the painting). Although I do have some concern. Your signature is not legible, so I worry that any man with a penis could copy your work. If it's meant to be a symbol (i.e. artist formally known as Prince), then that would work too, but you will need to get it (TM).

Also, is it repeatable? You want to be able to authenticate your work, otherwise when you become a rich and famous artist, you will have every prick-wanna-be-Pricasso coming out of the woodwork (or closet) tying to capitalize on your hard work.


Michael A. Walker
Defying Procrastination

Kianwi said...

Um, well, wow. Suprisingly good painting, actually. Definitely a cut above peeing your initials in the snow!

Workingdan said...

I still suffer from penis paint envy!

JHJohnson said...

This is pretty awesome

Kevin said...

Look on the bright side, sure you may have painted a picture with your Wang but at least you have the girth to use it as a paint brush....

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

I cannot believe that this is real! You are crazier than I am... I love it!

Youngman Brown said...

A lot of words come to mind when reading this post. One of them is "mushroom" and another one is "stamping."

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Will you do my portrait!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Pricasso??

Mare said...

That. Is. Awesome.

Brandon from lostinidaho.me said...

I'm thinking about making this a thing for me. Want to become my first customer?

Brandon from lostinidaho.me said...

And no, I'm not Pricasso, I'm just a humble flatterer. :)

Jack mayhoffer said...

If it is possible that you have a girlfriend ,I would leave it at that dude.

Jackmeoffer said...

I would need more proof of a girlfriend than given.

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