Ah, Halloween. Where girls strive to dress as skimpy and slutty as possible, and guys either wear humorous costumes or outfits that draw attention to their dicks.
Or, you know, both.
I love this Holiday.
In a town with little to do, Halloween becomes a sacred drinking holiday. Costumes, alcohol, and lots of exposed skin always make for an interesting night.
Some examples of costumes I've seen from my circle of female friends in years past:
Miss America Rejects (kicked out for being sexual deviants or criminals)
Slutty Fairy Tale Characters
And much much more. When corsets are a main part of the costume, and you're making sure your underwear matches (just in case) you know it's going to be a damn fun night.
Last year, I went as a Geek Squad Technician. If not for the little badge I printed, I'd have looked like a geeky Missionary that got lost and stumbled into the bar.
...white shirt, black tie, etc... Maybe I should just get a book of mormon and do THAT this year?
No, even in the bar scene, I'd get my ass kicked.
Two things you don't go as in this town, if you value your life: A Mormon (don't you DARE make fun of the Mormons) or Barack Obama (that's just begging to get your ass kicked in this red little town...)
So, what to do this year? Do I get one of those penis-esque costumes? Like the magic lamp costume, where if women rub the lamp they're really rubbing my junk?
As fun as that sounds, being rubbed off by total strangers, I think I found my costume.
Listening to the radio on a Sunday morning, my local "Hits" station decided to do a back-to-back Mick Jagger tribute. First up was the new Maroon 5 single "Moves Like Jagger." Afterward was Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" where she talks about not hooking up with any guys "unless they look like Mick Jagger."
Did I miss something? When did Mick Jagger become the face of sexiness in the 21st century?
I mean, come on. The dude is 68 years old. He partied HARD in the 60's, and looks the part. Maybe a YOUNG Mick Jagger could be a sex symbol, but the older version, to me, looks like a Shar Pei.
Oh. Wait. The younger Mick looked a little off as well.
I posed this question to my twitter followers a few weeks ago. I posted the following:
"Moves like Jagger I can kind of understand. But I'm glad I don't have a face like Jagger."
I went shopping this weekend for the usual supplies: Soap, shampoo, razors, etc. You know. Grooming stuff. I have to look my best, and smell good. I embrace my metro-tendencies in this way.
While out, my girl and I spotted this new body soap. It's called "Thai Massage" by Axe. With a name like that, I was expecting a "happy ending" with my $3.58 purchase.
...then I remembered how much it hurts to do THAT and use soap... I started to walk away.
But my girl picked up a bottle and gave it a whiff. She loved the citrus scent, and coaxed me into buying it. She was even tempted to use it herself from time to time.
My mind starts wandering... does that mean shared showers a little more often? If so, this will be worth it. Score! Let's do it!
I buy the bottle, and use it my next shower. It's not too bad. It has an invigorating scent, doesn't dry out my skin, and feels good on the body. But me and my overactive imagination keeps waiting for the bottle to ask me if I want "Full release service" followed by a slew of cops pouring into my house shouting "THIS IS A BUST! HANDS IN THE AIR!"
I really don't want to end up on the 9 o'clock news, so I'll only be using this Thai Massage discreetly, and when I know all the doors are locked.
And, you know, only when I have an extra $50 or so to drop on... well.... THAT sort of thing...
The worst part of it all? As far as massages go, this one wasn't that great. I still have that kink in my shoulders, and my lower back still aches. As a soap, I'd give it a good 3.5 out of 5, but it really needs to work on the massaging aspect.
Well, I have been for a while, but now I have a t-shirt to attest my bro-ness.
This shirt was created by Jeph Jacques, creator of the Questionable Content webcomic. The backstory of the "Three Cabrolleros" can be found here and here. The shirt is kind of obscure if you don't get the joke, but it makes me smile.
Why? Because bros make the world go 'round.
Joseph Smith may have founded the Mormon Religion, but Broseph Smith taught Jack-Mormons it's still ok to drink and party.
Brotato Salad isn't made with mayonnaise, making it a cold, nasty side-dish. Instead it uses beer. And pretzels. And more beer.
Brose Cuervo does not get you drunk. It keeps the party going.
Straight guys can also be Bromosexuals. It just means it's ok to have a sex with a girl when your bro is there, because it's ok to share with a bro. (remember, it's only gay if the balls touch)
In Hawaii, 'Aloha' means hello, good bye, I love you, I'm slightly constipated, and many many more things. The mainland equivalent is the Brofist. You can use it for greeting your bro, congratulating your bro, or using your brofist against someone's head to ward off the non-bro lame-o's.
G.I. Bro wasn't only an American Hero. He also threw a damn good party, and was popular with the ladies.
Abroham Lincoln freed the slaves in the 1800's, because he knew Hip Hop was going to be AWESOME dance-music for ladies to shake their thing to.
And finally, Bro Pesci is funny. Like a clown. He likes to make you laugh. Because he's a bro.
If you're a bro and want to buy this tshirt, please go to this site. If I see you walking down the street, I'll yell "BRO!", give you a brofist, and celebrate our camaraderie.
I'm still reeling from a horrible start to the week, but I have found a little reprieve thanks to a local Grill & Brewery in South Salt Lake.
(...by the way, the car problem has escalated. The radiator blowing caused my engine to be reduced to a paperweight. $6500+ in repairs... does anyone know a good Montana lawyer??)
The place I discovered is called Hoppers. It's in South SLC on Fort Union Blvd, and is absolutely amazing.
They craft their own beers. I sampled 5, and they were all amazing. Lights, darks, ales, porters, you can't go wrong.
But it gets better....
The food was absolutely amazing. I'm riding with a business partner this week, and we ended up sharing a lot of dishes. They have the BEST macaroni and cheese I have ever had. Add bacon to it (real bacon. Real and amazing bacon) and it is pure bliss.
Mac and Cheese. Cheesy garlic fries. Oodles and oodles of food.
And I want to come back as quickly as I can.
There are too many good things on the menu to warrant just one trip. This is now my SLC hangout when I am in town. The ambiance is stellar, the service is top-notch, and the food is better than almost any other place I have ever been.
...but it gets better...
See the large bottle of beer? You can get their handcrafted brews to go. I snagged a couple 25oz bottles to go, with the intention of saving some for when I get home.
...yeah, that didn't happen... I imbibed. I enjoyed. I paid the price the next morning.
If you ever find yourself in Salt Lake City, check this place out. It could easily be a "$20 for a couple" night, or you can go bananas like I did and try a little bit of everything. Either way, you won't be disappointed.
I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man...
But that's me. Recovering from a SERIOUS case of the Monday's.
Well, my Monday started like this:
I pack and get ready to leave for the week to Salt Lake, Nevada, and parts unknown. I walk the dog, and take off. But whoops, forget to load shit into my car.
My car breaks down. AGAIN. It died a week ago in Billings. It took the dealership 3 days (and $700+) to fix the car. Same exact problem with the radiator blowing. This time, instead of city limits, I'm in the middle of nowhere. And my engine seizes. I'm supposed to be picking someone up at the SLC airport, and now I'm 4 hours delayed.
I get to the dealership, tell them they're going to fix the car at no cost (since the first dealership didn't do it right) and get them to put me into a rental car so I can continue on my trip. They stick me in a rental with a half-flat tire, hoping I wouldn't notice. I make them fix it, which delays me another half hour.
I'll count that one as strike 2.5....
The rest of the day isn't bad. I meet my counterpart, hit up some stops in SLC, and then drive to Elko. We book at this "vintage" hotel/casino....
The rooms are haggard
The carpets are stained. Badly.
She sees dried blood on her walls. I see dried boogers on mine.
We have Refridgerators instead of refrigerators. And apparently refridgerators don't refridgerate very well (mine's warm).
Best of all. No hot water. Apparently instead of water heaters the hotel gets hot water from a geothermal area in the city. And the city is having issues.
"I'm sorry, sir... you should have hot water by midnight tonight, or sometime tomorrow in the early AM..."
So this is me at the moment... while typing this post. It was a 14 hour day of frustration and disappointment, mingled in with a little bit of fun and jokes.
For the most part, my blood pressure was spiked. I wanted to kick a little kitten through the goalpost uprights. Twice.
I'm starting to calm down a little, but I'm really REALLY hoping Tuesday is a better day than Monday was....
I remember growing up in the 80's and 90's. One of my favorite shows was Married With Children.
The premise of the show was the life of Al Bundy, a shoe salesman who hated his life. He was married to Peg, a redhead wife that specialized in driving her husband crazy.
He hated his job, he loathed his marriage and family, and we all pitied Al.
Fast forward to present time. I'm in my 30's now, and I envy Al Bundy.
He owns his own house and car. Too many people I know can barely get into apartments, let alone purchase their own house. I'm currently renting as it is. Al not only owns a house, but a 2-story house with a decent sized back yard and a spacious-enough garage that can be converted into a man cave. Lucky bastard.
He has a stable job. Sure, he's a shoe salesman and hates his career, but how many people in the 2010's wouldn't kill to be out of the unemployment line and working at a shoe store? It's not a 6-figure income, but with unemployment rates as high as they are, you take what you can get.
He's married to a woman who likes sex. For his kids to be as old as they are, Al should statistically be divorced and paying child support. Instead, he's still married to the mother of his children, and mom (Peg) is still fairly hot. And craves sex. This rarely happens these days, so Al can be considered ahead of the curve.
He has disposable income. Al is constantly in The Jiggly Room, MwC's resident strip club. You don't go to a titty-bar unless you have some money to burn, right? That, coupled with household repairs mean he's got dough. It seemed like every other episode resulted in a broken window, appliances destroyed, or other accidents. Yet, week in and week out, they all get fixed. My girlfriend's car broke in 2009, and we couldn't afford to fix it until December 2010. Al, can you spare some change?
Yes, 20 years ago we felt bad for Al Bundy. The poor man had a mortgage, a wife with a sexual appetite, a loyal dog who loved him, a stable job, and a close circle of friends. Now, in the 21st century?
I was at a coffee shop, taking care of work emails and chatting up the staff, when one points out "What's up with the clit on your laptop?"
I'm confused... "excuse me?"
"The clit," she says. "That big red button begging to be played with..."
And now, thanks to her, I can't get that thought out of my head.
It's a lenovo thinkpad, and it's my work laptop. The button acts as a mouse when you don't want to use the touchpad, but I rarely ever use it.
But now, I can't take my hands off it. I'm playing with it like it *is* a real clit, and I'm imagining my laptop enjoying every bit of it.
Speaking as a guy, it's never been so easy for me to find one and flick it. Usually they're sneaky little buggers, and need a little coaxing before they come out to play. Not with my laptop. It's presented front-and-center, begging for your attention.
Now if only I could find the g-spot on this damn thing... I've heard it's near one of the USB ports, but I never seem to be able to find it.
Yesterday Scarlett Johansson made news when a hacker gained access to her phone and stole nude pictures of her.
As much as I love seeing good looking celebs in the buff (Ex: Anne Hathaway in Love & Other Drugs.... OH MY GOD...) I don't think this is the right way to go about it.
Miss ScarJo doesn't want to do nude scenes in her movies, so we should respect that. To hack her phone and share her private business with the world seems unfair to her.
Yet here I am, blogging about it... showing a photo... linking to a site with the rest of the pictures... does that make me bad?
(by the way, if you're reading this Miss Johansson, you have an amazing body. But you already knew that, didn't you?)
Coincidentally, Mila Kunis was hacked yesterday as well. Did the hackers get nudes of her? No.
Who was on her phone?
According to TMZ's report, Justin Timberlake was on her phone. One picture of him shirtless and in bed, and another of him with a pair of pink panties on his head.
Oh Justin, always the joker... At least there were no gratuitous 'Dick in a Box' pictures...
So, celebrities. Or people in general. If you son't want this shit happening to you, make sure to wipe your camera clean of nude or embarrassing photos. Viruses for smartphones are becoming much more commonplace, and unless you want to show the world, you have to learn to be discreet.
Now, if you don't mind, I'll be watching Love & Other Drugs, for the bajillionth time.
I have blogged about my cat Weeble before, but she may be dead soon. If she keeps up her current pace, she's bound to have an "unfortunate accident" and be strangled by unknown forces...
You see, she likes to fuck with me.
I haven't been sleeping well lately, but Weeble doesn't care. If was 5am, and she was out of food. Can she wait a little while longer, when I naturally wake up? Of course not...
First, she climbs onto my bed, and starts purring and rubbing against me, to wake me up. Nothing. She adds her cute little 'squeee' into the mix, saying "Wake up, daddy... I'm hungry..."
Still nothing. I turn over, brush her off the bed, and go back to sleep.
Around the time I start falling back into a deep sleep, I hear *crrrrnch crrrrnch crrrrnch*
It's her. And a plastic bag.
She took a plastic bag out of the kitchen, brought it to the bedroom, and placed it on the side of the bed, near my head. She's playing with it, as loudly as possible.... *crrrrnch crrrrnch*
After a few attempts at swatting her away (didn't work) I finally get up. She trots to her food dish, looks up to me, and starts purring...
At this point, I'm severely miffed. I feed her, curse at her for a second, and make my way back to bed. I toss and turn for a few minutes, trying to find a comfortable position and drift back to sleep. Just as I started floating back into dreamland........
*BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP* The alarm goes up. Rise and shine....
This is a quick and easy one, but it means a lot to me.
I will be partaking in two things today. Watching football, and remembering the events of ten years ago.
Let's start on the more relaxed note. I am a Carolina Panther's fan. Back in the 90's I used to be an LA Rams fan, especially Kevin Greene. The Rams moved east, and KG was traded to a new expansion team. I decided to forsake the deserters, and follow my favorite player. Thus, my love for the Panthers began.
Unlike some bandwagoners, I have stayed true to my team over the years. In good times (almost beating the Pats in the superbowl) and bad (well, most seasons) they are my team.
And today, I will watch them play. For the first time ever, I have Direct Ticket, and plan on watching Carolina every damn week. Sadly, if I had this job earlier, I'd be in Arizona watching the game live. Oh well...
Secondly, I'll be paying my tribute to 9/11 in a moment of silence. And with you, sharing a little bit of my story.
10 years ago, I was recently married. My wife and I had just returned from our honeymoon only a few days ago. Her and I both worked at a 411 call center. Me as an operator, and her as a manager. We had no idea what was going on until we came into work that morning...
...and it was chaos. If people couldn't get through on 911, they called 411. EVERYONE including executives were on the phones assisting. If you took a break, you were glued to the tv to get info and pass it along.
I remember working a longer than usual shift with no breaks or lunches (my choice). At one point, I was helping a fire chief from another local area who had taken his crew into Manhattan. I helped guide him and his team through the streets and closures, and tried to give him all the contact info he needed.
It was a long and exhausting day. But looking back, I feel like I did a minor part in assisting the heroes of 9/11. I know this is a feeling my ex and I share. For us, the romance and fire of two newlyweds was put aside for a few days to do our part.
I will never forget that day. The sound of terror in so many voices. The look of horror on the television. The camaraderie and the passion to help from my coworkers. It wasn't the best scenario to bring a nation together, but on that day we were one, doing what we could to help.
One consistent issue I have with travel seems to be Denny's restaurants.
Their food is sub-par, but they always seem to be close enough to consider. This week I had one within walking distance to my hotel. On my way back to the room after a long day, I decided to call them and place a to-go order.
It rang and rang....
I tried again. Once again, no answer...
I finally pulled in, and wondered what was up. I was hoping the food would be ready when I arrived, and now I have to wait... I wasn't too thrilled about the inconvenience...
When I saw this:
Nobody at the counter, and the phone off the hook. I waited 5 minutes before someone came over to help me, even though they glanced at me from time to time.
For some reason, I still placed an order. I noticed a "How are we doing? Call ---" number on the wall. It was a number of their regional manager. I couldn't NOT call, so once I left, I phoned him up...
And whaddaya know, the number was disconnected.
Fuck you, Denny's. You're always a thorn in my side. I'm done with you.
I'm in Montana this week, and I think sharing some fun facts about this state is needed.
First of, it's the home of the unabomber. Besides that...
In Helena, Montana... it's illegal to throw anything across the street. From footballs to babies, it's all a big no-no.
It is illegal for a married woman to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for a non-married woman 7 days a week.
The average square mile of land in Montana contains 1.4 elk, 1.4 pronghorn antelope, and 3.3 deer. (it's the .4 of the antelope that boggle me...)
Creeks in Montana are often called 'crick.' If you had a crick in your neck, they'd wonder how it got there...
It is a misdemeanor to show a movie depicting a felonious crime. Thus, Tarentino movies have probably never been shown in this great state...
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone (now, an INFLATABLE sheep is a different story...)
Montana is the 4th largest state, with the 44th largest population...
Montana's first territorial capital, Bannack, has been preserved as a ghost town state park along once gold-laden Grasshopper Creek. This old town is also said to be haunted by several ghostly spirits. (I smell a future UrbEx post)
In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice-picks attached to the wheels (but hoo buy, does it sound fun...)
In Montana, the word "ditch” can be used to order a drink. It means "with water." "I'd like a Jack Daniel's ditch, please" means, "I'd like a Jack Daniel's and water." This is not a joke. In fact, all you really have to ask for is a "Jack ditch."
I haven't been to Helena yet, but I want to throw something across the street now. And take a woman fishing. But the 'ditch' part confuses me. Adding water to a drink lessens the alcohol. If you need to make your drink weaker, wouldn't that make you a bitch?
Anyway, I digress.. off to more traveling in Big Sky Country!
Have you ever had a new-ish dog or cat who ABSOLUTELY HAD to chew through anything and everything they find?
My dog Melody is a chewer. Correction, my GIRLFRIEND'S dog Melody is a chewer. (if we ever split, she gets the damn dog. No question there...)
She has chewed through countless pairs of shoes, sticks of deodorant, eye drops, and much more. We finally had her spayed this last week, so we are hoping this will calm her down a bit...
But still. Chew chew chew. Gnaw gnaw gnaw. Even when we give her "busy" toys, she finds things to chew, like the sprinklers or solar lighting outside...
I was always careful to put my things away, so I was never the victim. Until one day, I left my phone charger in an accessible spot. Surprise surprise, it was mauled and shredded when I came back to get it.
I was miffed. Sure, it's my own fault, since I know she's a chewer, but I wanted to flog her senselessly. I was tempted to call in my friend, Fred the buttsex horse to teach her a lesson:
...but cooler heads prevailed. I was just going to have to accept the loss and go buy a new charger.
I'm creative, and awesome. I know what to do!
During my next overnight trip out of town, I asked the hotel clerk if they had a lost and found. You see, I *cough* lost my phone charger the last time I stayed here, and was wondering if someone turned it in...
Lo and behold, he pulls out the exact charger I needed. Motorola micro-SD charger that separates into a USB cable. A $39.99 value, at no cost to me.
Sorry dog. You can knock me down, but you'll never knock me out.
Protip: Things are left in hotel rooms all the time. Most times, people check into a hotel room, check out, leave something behind (a phone charger, for example) and never return. I have friends in the hotel industry that will confirm this. Me, being a regular traveler, can use this to my advantage from time to time. It doesn't always work (more in large metropolitan areas and better hotels) but when it does, it'll save you some dough.
My question to you: Is that awesome? Is it thievery? Or is it a gray area in-between? What's done is done, and I'm keeping this charger (and hiding it from the damn dog...) but I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter...