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4/27/12

My Arch Nemesis, The Claw Machine

My dad is a racist, compulsive-gambling sack of douchebaggery, but there is one life-lesson imparted by him that I am grateful for:

He taught me how to kick ass at claw machines.

I know... great resume fodder, right?

But you know what, it is a fun little vice of mine.

Sort of like my cigarette.... because when I see one, I almost always have to play.

Malls, restaurants, ballparks, and yes, even in hotels.  If there is a claw machine, I'll be feeding it quarters.

Of all the addictions to have (drugs, alcohol, Arby-Q's) I think this is a fairly safe one to have.

And like I said, I'm pretty good at it.

For example, there is a claw machine in the current hotel I'm in.  I've only spent $1 so far, and walked away with these:


2 stuffed animals for $1?  Not too shabby.

I usually only spend $1-4 at a time, and almost always walk away with a few things.  Sometimes I give them away to nearby kids, sometimes I take them home and let my dog shred them to bits.  I don't need them, but I like to win.

And I win a lot.

However, I refuse to play the 'bling' claw games, because it's cheap plastic jewelry and almost impossible to win.  Stuffed animals, balls, hats, etc is the way to do.

Side note, I was surprised to see the necklace to the left in a claw machine.  It's a square and compass, the emblem of Freemasonry.

The Masons are a fraternal organization that requires a little bit of work to get into.  I should know, I used to be one.  Yet, in this machine, for as little as 50 cents, you could wear this snazzy piece of jewelry.

It makes me chuckle to imagine a 4yo girl wearing this.  "The G stand for Gina, my name!"  Ha, sure doll.  Whatever you say...

Do you have any addictions?  Video Games?  Meth?  World of Warcraft (one of my old favorites...)?  Please share below...
Please Share it! :)

23 witty retorts:

Workingdan said...

I'm addicted to beer, weed, pussy, and football. Too bad I can't get any of these out of the claw machine!

meandmythinkingcap said...

You aren't sharing any tips to win the claw? Reminds me of sponge bob episode. What do you do? Close your eyes and say "be the claw"?
Anyway that is one cool trick you have up your sleeve, mayn't help to pick "chicks" but "chicks". I don't think I have anything maybe my macro skills with textpadapplication?

TortugaRachel said...

Teach me your greatness oh wise claw master.

No, seriously, how do you beat those things? My kids would be so impressed if I actually won something, haha.

Leah said...

My husband loves claw machines but he's not brilliant at winning. He'd had a few beers one evening while on holiday and fed the machine at least £10 before he eventually came away with a stuffed white tiger. He was jubliant at his eventual success so went back and spent another £12 and came away with a brown tiger. He was hiccupping and giddy with success and I've had to endure the tigers sitting in my bedroom ever since!

Zombie said...

I never was able to have any sort of luck with those damn claw games. lol.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

HHHHHHHMMMMMMMM, I'm wondering if we could be kin. I would describe my father exactly the same way.

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

Ok ok ok, tips.

If the machine is stacked high enough, use the claw to push toys around. Sometimes you can hook tags or the straps of hats that way. Every now and then, you can push a toy into the prize hole before actually grabbing at something.

If the timer gives you 20-30 seconds, use all of it. Position the claw at the heaviest part of the prize to make sure the claw is balanced. They jostle and jerk a lot (on purpose) so it needs to be tight to keep it secure.

Lastly, the claw is designed to stop when it feels a certain amount of resistance. If you hit the toy square-on, it's going to stop when it hits the toy. If you're slightly off, the claw will slightly slide off, and keep dropping. This is like hitting the sweet spot, because the claw will get a little under the toy. It lifts a little before the grabbing mechanism kicks in, so that extra slack will make sure it grabs that prize the way you want it.

And, of course, practice practice practice.... :D

Allie said...

My mom passed down the claw machine wisdom to me. I've never met anyone else who uses them for sport.

It feels nice to not be alone anymore.

Oh and I'm also really into meth and hookers.

CrazyTragicAlmostMagic said...

"ooooh the claw.... he has been chosen!" Sorry, couldn't help it.

My ex could alwys win at these too. I on the other hand won't even both.

Annabelle Archer said...

My Cinderfella was born with the touch for claw. He's good at carnival games too. We're very proud.

My addictions? I love a good mellow buzz and a hot cup of coffee combo. Shhhh.

Sweety Darlin said...

Fabric Stores.

I can't pass them! I must go in! I must touch the fabric, and hold the fabric and look at the fabric and think about dresses and talk about things I can make with it.

I have to go through the piles of clearance fabric and buy some and go home and stash it like a squirrel with nuts for the winter and sew things, and make things.

Dresses, aprons, children clothes, stuff. Civil war dresses, victorian dresses, party dresses.

Oh you asked my addiction sorry I got distracted. Uh I am addicted to coffee.

Sheila said...

"This is like hitting the sweet spot, because the claw will get a little under the toy." WOW, I think I just got turned on a little. OK back to the claw machine, my ex and I when we were dating used to hit every claw machine in the city on Friday nights. We'd drink some Long Island Teas and go scouting. My room was filled with those damn stuffed animals for years. You develop sort of a sense after going to so many. We laughed about spending so much when we could go buy them cheaper but it was the sport. As for my other addictions, cheesecake, dancing, wine and a man that can kiss my mouth and leave me begging for more. Can I say that on here?

Sheila said...

@Workingdan, I can't believe you said pussy!!! Hmmm, nice to know though.

Workingdan said...

@sheila I'm a guy...you find that hard to believe? lol Maybe I should've said sex instead!

AccordingtoJewels said...

Addictions include, but are not limited to, books, writing, a good drink,cheesy 80's music/movies, and orgasms.

Sheila said...

@Workingdan, lol, I am new to reading bloggers. Never knew they existed until Jenny Lawson came into my life and now I guess I should have said "I'm addicted to blogs now". So most of the blogs so far have been pretty tame until now, hehe. Love it though!!!

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

@Sheila: Welcome to my madness. And if you like low-brow humor, you're going to love tomorrow's post. It involves blowjobs and hot sauce...

Johnny T.H.M. said...

Gamer. That's all. On swtor. and monster hunter tri.

G said...

Those damn claw machines used to consume my pocket money like a fat kid with cake...

Kelly said...

My five year okd is obsessed with the machines, but she calls it 'the crane'. It is pretty disturbing. I'm glad to know she's not alone.

The Beans said...

Ice cream. Feel free to laugh.

And I totally want the duck you won. It's adorable.

-Barb the French Bean

Thank, Q said...

I suck at claw machines. The first and only time I ever got something out of one, I celebrated like a school kid. I was 28. My guilty pleasure used to be Madden on the Xbox, but now, it's miniature golf. Every time I see a course, I want to try it.

BTW, I used to wear that "G" as well...

drug rehab new york said...

I play computer games and I highly suggest that people should stop taking drugs.

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