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Goodbye, 2012

2012... what a year.

Over a million page views and almost 250 posts.

I've made some new friends, and I've made a few enemies along the way...

I've talked about pet nutrition and cat orgasms.

About dinosaur buttsex and trolling the public.

About Winnie the Pooh-tater and, of course, MORMONS MORMONS MORMONS.

Yes, it's been a fun year indeed.

Thank you all for reading and putting up with my nonsense.  I started this blog when I was unemployed and new to Idaho.  Now, I barely have time to come up with new material.  I keep coming back because of YOU, the reader.

You keep me going.

You keep me dancing.

You keep me writing.

Thank you all, from the newest reader to the long-time follower.  To all of the RBSAUI crowd, and to those that don't even know what that means.

To past guest posters and to future guest posters (hint hint...).

Thanks a million (1.11 million, to be exact), and I am looking forward to an amazing, controversial and hilarious 2013.

I'll try not to disappoint.


Some People Shouldn't Have Guns (There, I Said It)



Virginia Tech.


All tragedies, all involving guns.

All resulting in overreaction, politics, and idiots on both sides up in arms.

"Ban all the guns."

"Arm everyone."

"Think of the children..."

"...hell, give them guns too..."

No matter what side you're on, you are probably sick and tired of the overreaction of people on news stations and in social media.  The definition of an 'assault rifle' varies from person to person, as well as the opinion of whether we need them or not.

My take on it?  I'm a firm believer of the 2nd amendment.  I know about gun safety, I know how to clean and maintain a firearm, and I educated myself thoroughly before ever touching a gun.  I was not allowed to drive until I learned how to 'do it right' and passed multiple tests, and I treated a firearm with the same respect I did a car.

I had to earn a Driver's License before I could lawfully operate a vehicle.

Could I own a car without a license?  You bet.  But I couldn't drive it until I proved that I knew how.

I think this should be the case with firearms as well.  Sure, there are statistics that prove automobiles are more deadly than guns, but more people die in 'accidents' with cars than in 'accidents' with guns.  Most gun-related deaths are intentional, and are often due to people who shouldn't have them in the first place (criminals, idiots, etc.).

I believe it is my right as an American Citizen to own a gun if I choose to.  However, it is my responsibility to know how to use it properly.  It is my responsibility to not use the gun unless absolutely necessary.  I believe that gun owners should be able to prove they know how to be responsible, just like drivers need to pass tests in order to operate a vehicle.

Gun safety courses should be as mandatory as driver's education, whether you consider one to be a 'right' and the other a 'privilege' or not.  Not only for your own safety, but for the safety of others around you.

A popular sign in Idaho, unfortunately....
If you believe the 2nd amendment means 'trespassers will be shot on sight' you should not own a gun.  If you believe in 'shoot first, ask questions later' you are not responsible enough to own a gun.

(Hell, a lot of these rules also apply to parenting.  If you don't know how to take care of a child or can't afford one, you shouldn't be having children, but that's another argument for another time...)

Comic book quote here, but "with great power comes great responsibility."  There are a lot of smart, responsible gun owners out there, and I don't want to infringe on them at all.  But it's the criminals... the idiots... and the irresponsible that I fear.  A few drops of oil can ruin a gallon of water, and while 99% (ish, maybe) of guns aren't used in crimes, we make laws to protect 100% of the nation.

The idiots on the right are making gun owners look rash and uncontrollable.  The idiots on the left are making gun laws look oppressing and absolute.  No matter what side of the debate you're on, can we talk about this in a civil way?

Don't be an idiot.  Just like you should think before you shoot, thinking before you react (or overreact) is just as important.


WHY OH WHY Am I A Cat Person??

Christmas has come and gone, and I live in a household where we celebrate our animals as well.  Happy Birthdays, Merry Christmas, and so on.

We have 3 cats and a dog.  I have always preferred cats because I don't like the constant attention a dog demands, especially a German Shepherd.

But now, after this Christmas, I can't stand the cats.

Fuck 'em.  Fuck all of them.


Well, it has to do with the Christmas presents we purchased for the animals this year...

Since we have 3 cats and they like to bicker with each other, we decided to give them some extra 'leisure space.'  We have the room in our house, so we decided to buy a cat tower.

This thing is as tall as I am, took about 4 hours to put together and wasn't cheap.  In fact, it was more money than I wanted to spend, but seemed like a good idea...

...but they won't touch it.

They don't want anything to do with it.

I sprayed it with catnip mist, in hopes to attract them and get them to explore/play, and nothing.

What.  The fuck.

Meanwhile, we didn't know what to get the dog.  She raids my work supplies all the time (sometimes with my permission) and wants for nothing.  She has treats, toys, chews, you name it.

So when we went shopping, we settled on a squeaky ball in the clearance section.  We didn't want to get her nothing, so this was a 'eh, good enough' consolation.

And she fucking adores that little $1 ball...

I just don't get it.


Snarky Christmas Cookies

Merry Christmas!  Enjoy some cookies my fiancee and I made last night.


Mormons and Alcohol Don't Mix: Senator Mike Crapo Arrested for DUI

 This is why you can't have nice things, Mormons.  Just a little booze and you "go wild" faster than a teenage girl at Mardi Gras.  Instead of asking 'do I drink too much alcohol?' it is either zero or OMG with these people...

Over the weekend, Idaho Senator Mike Crapo was arrested for Driving Under the Influence in the DC area.  According to news reports, he had half a Zima and was completely BLASTED.

All joking aside, a senator arrested for DUI is a major scandal in Idaho.  Especially since he is a Mormon.

You see, Mormons don't do scandalous things.  Especially drink.  You might sully the name of the church, and the LAST thing you want to do is something that would disrupt the cash flow reputation of the church...

According to news reports, Crapo is very sorry and is embarrassed this happened to him.  You know, boiler-plate 'I'm sorry I got caught' BS.

The funny thing is that hours before his arrest, he was penning this piece about Inaction from the government on the Fiscal Cliff crisis.

Apparently the article was so tough to write he needed a few drinks to get it out?  Or he needed a drink to celebrate after writing it?

Either way, I'm sorry he don't have to compete for his seat until 2016.  I'm also sorry he will most-likely be re-elected, since he is a Republican in one of the reddest states in the union.

Oh well, I can't be too mad at the guy.  I've driven home after having too much to drink on occasion, and I regret doing it.  I'm glad I didn't get pulled over like he did, and I'm glad I didn't have to get arrested or into an accident before I realized I shouldn't be drinking and driving.

With that said, be safe this holiday season.  Eat, drink and be merry on Christmas and New Years, but don't do a Crapo.  If you drink, don't drive.


Why I Hate The Salvation Army

I am not the first person to rant against the Salvation Army, and I won't be the last.

This isn't about how they use their money to spread anti LGBT hate, or how they will take their ball away and go home if you make them promote equality in their shelters...

No, they're a shitty charity for numerous reasons, but this one is a bit different than most anti-SA posts...

I hate their fucking bell ringers.

At least, the ones here in Eastern Idaho.

If you refuse to acknowledge them, they get upset.  They tell you "Merry Christmas" or "God Bless" and if you don't respond, or smile and nod back, they start coming after you.  "Excuse me... EXCUSE ME... SIR...  SIR..."

I told my first bell-ringer to fuck off the other day.

I'm now making a habit of counting my cash as I walk by...

And it's not that I don't donate to charities, I just prefer to donate to local charities.  I support my local food bank (anonymously) as well as a few other shelters.

I don't donate to the Salvation Army because of the way they use their money.  I want my money to go to homeless or the needy, not to lobbyists.

So fuck you, Salvation Army.  Fuck your bell-ringers, fuck your marching band, and fuck your self-righteousness.  Ring THAT bell.


Giving Walmart the Ol' Razzle Dazzle

Christmas shopping is in full swing, and more and more people are spending the bulk of their holiday budget at Walmart.

Walmart knows this, and loves every bit of it.  They're giving their stores more power to ad-match and 'win' the business, and you as a consumer can take advantage of that.

That... combined with employees that are either:

- Dim-witted, or
- Just don't give a fuck.

Either way, you win.

Case 1, I just recently purchased a new laptop.  It was designed to be my 'freelancing' machine (even though my customers aren't paying their bills like they're supposed to), so I wanted something with a good processor, good memory, and lots of space.

The machine I wanted was $700, but I settled for the $500 version.  Both HP's, both same-size screen, and the average person wouldn't be able to see the difference except in the price.

Walmart is full of average people.  They didn't have the $500 in stock, so I pointed to the $700 machine and asked them to do that one for $500.  I read off the specs of the $500 machine (the similar ones, at least) from their website, showed them what I was talking about, and they just assumed it was the same exact product, just priced wrong.  Did I defraud them?  No, but I didn't correct them, and got $200 off the laptop I really wanted...

Case 2 was a gift for my girlfriend.  She wanted a nook with a glow-screen.  Walmart had 2 deals going on:  One was a $30 giftcard when you purchased the nook WITHOUT the glowscreen, the other was $20 lowered price on the nook WITH the glowscreen.  (fine print specified which nook got the giftcard, which made it look to the glancing eye that it was $30 for any nook...)

It was almost midnight, when they close registers and managers are scrambling.  I took a picture of the display, because at the right angle, it looked like you were getting $20+$30 off the glowscreen nook.

I showed this to the cashier.  They were confused (AND training a new cashier) and called their manager.  I showed manager the picture, and as they were thinking about it three other cashiers demanded her attention.  She was being pulled in six different directions, ok'd the override, and I got a $140 nook for $90.

Could you call this taking advantage?  Perhaps, in a way, but I'm just stretching my dollar.  They have margin built in to ad match and negotiate down when needed, so why not make sure you're always on top?  And what's the worst that can happen, they tell you know and you end up paying for it anyway?

If you want to do something like this, do a little scouting first.  Find an employee that looks stressed, dumb, or one that looks like they hate their job (that covers about 80% of Walmart employees, doesn't it??).  They're more willing to buckle.  Secondly, time it during a busy spell when managers are few and their demand is high.  If it's a 24 hour Walmart, between 11:30 and midnight is perfect because they're closing out registers and usually short-staffed.  They don't have time to haggle and will often give you what you want.

Lastly, look for bad or confusing merchandising, like the 'boys vs boy's' ordeal I posted about before.  If they're advertising something that's incredibly similar to what you want, see if they can spot the difference.  Pictures on a smart phone work well, as they'd rather look at that than call back the toys or electronics department to verify the fine print. 

Good luck, and good shopping!


I Dun Goof'd (aka, Nothing on the Internet is Original)

I've had a fun Saturday.

Back in 2011, I wrote a post about silly Vagina names.  It was my first Half-assed weekend post (copyright The Simple Dude, I think, probably not, but maybe) and I just popped out something silly.

I compiled the list from a trending twitter hashtag, and then coming up with some 'original' ones as well (based on what I read).  It probably took about 10 minutes to throw everything together, and it's somehow been viewed almost 13,000 times.  It's my 7th most popular post ever.

It turns out some of those names were used before me on another blog back in 2009.  And this guy apparently owns those phrases, so he commented on my blog.  And then found me on twitter.  He threatened to call the cyber police.

I was shaking in my boots.

But then I noticed something, looking at his twitter account:

This is all he does now.  His blog hasn't had a new post since 2011 (or maybe he's just dating things as 'old?'  I can actually change the 'post date' on this blog post to look like I wrote it in 1980 if I wanted to...) and all he does on Twitter these days is harass other people for "stealing his content."

He ran out of witty things to say, so he's fiercely protecting what little he has.  It's kind of cute, like a starving wild animal hoarding it's last sliver of food...

Blogs, social media, and the internet in general is about sharing.  We see things that amuse us and share with our friends and followers.

But if this guy said it before you did, he gets upset.  You stole his intellectual property and he'll come after you.  Consequences will never be the same. (not my original content, please don't sue me...)

I know for a fact that I'm not the first person in existence to fuck my cat with a q-tip to get her to shut up.  But because I was the first to write about it on the internet, I must have invented it, right?


And to the person on 4chan who made the trollface and all the other memes I use from time to time, I'm sorry for 'stealing' your precious work.  But feel free to assume it's memegenerator that invented those, instead of just mainstreaming them...

What I'm trying to get at is nothing is 'original' on the internet.  Something you do will be shared, often without someone giving credit where credit is due.  Even the things I discuss aren't original.  Someone somewhere at some point has had the same experiences.  I don't claim anything.

But this scrub still boggles my mind.  Imagine if every comic in existence decided to copyright their act, word for word... and every time anyone says anything they'd get sued or threatened.  And every amateur trying to be original did the same...

I would never be able to say "bite me" because some kid in the 1940's said it first.  He owns that phrase, how dare I use it.

Oh well.  Out of respect (and to get him to shut up) I deleted the 3 vagina names he 'owns.'  Now, if you want to call her pussy 'the down south mouth' you have to have him OK it first.  You got that?

...don't fuck with the internet.  You will be backtraced...


I Feel Like an Ent

"I always like going South; somehow, it feels like going downhill."  - Treebeard (the ent) from Lord of the Rings

And this feels true to me, as I am 500 miles south of home.  Closer to my kids than I am home, yet I still can't afford to go down there this weekend.


But I am convinced that Treebeard's saying is somewhat true.  I am at a lower elevation in St George, Utah than I am in Idaho Falls.  If I go North to Great Falls, Montana, it feels like I'm going uphill.

I wonder if this old tree's ramblings actually holds some truth?  Or is it just on the I-15 corridor in the areas I travel?

Hmmmm.... let's meditate on that one...

While I'm considering the uphill/downhill theory, let me again voice my frustration on being so close to my kids right now.  My territory for my day job goes all the way down to the Utah/Arizona border.

When I'm at the very bottom, I'm only 5 hours away from my kids.  This is the second time being down here in the last few months, and I still can't figure out a way to turn these trips into a quick-border-hop visit with my children.

That extra 5 hours adds another day to my trip, and about $200 in hotels and gas costs.  The time I have... the money... not so much.


I guess all I can do is cross my fingers?  Maybe I'll get an email from someone wanting to buy ad space on my blog, or pay for a sponsored review.  If I somehow get visited by the cash fairy in the next 6 hours, I'll be able to head South at the end of my workday instead of driving home.

We'll see.  Fingers crossed, but hopes are not up.  South Utah can just tease me a little more, I guess...  And I need to work on putting more money in the piggy bank.


Maybe Freelancing Isn't For Me

I have a day job that's more than a 40-hour-a-week gig.  I manage this blog (which really doesn't count, but takes a good chunk of my time) and I freelance.

I wear a lot of hats.

But I'm getting a little tired of this freelancing thing.  I help small businesses with marketing strategies, promotional design, and sometimes digital marketing (websites, social media campaigns, etc).  It's a fun way to do business and really makes a difference.

But when you put a lot of effort into projects and only get empty promises from your clients (I'll pay you soon, can you wait a few more weeks?) it really puts a damper on what you do.

I'm at the point where I want to quit.  One freelancing gig I'm working on involves a new pet food company.  They're just getting their legs under them and learning to walk, but things are going slowly.  There could be a job waiting for me in the future, but for now, I've been feeding them ideas and designs for the better part of 3 months now with no paycheck in sight.

Soon.  Just a few more weeks.  It's going to happen.

You can only hear this so much before you stop believing it.

It's now Christmas season, and I put a couple of other projects on the back-burner to pursue this one.  I was expecting to be paid by now.

I had a trip planned this weekend to go visit my boys.  I can't go now, because finances are too thin.  I'd be getting there and back by the skin of my teeth, with no money for fun (or Christmas presents).

I was going to bring my girlfriend with me.  We were going to stop in Vegas on the way home.  I was going to propose.  Now, that's not going to happen.  (not yet, at least, but still...)

Am I overreacting?  Most clients don't burn me, but this one is stinging.  Shame on me for counting my chickens before they hatched, but shame on companies that want you to work for them but don't/can't pay you.



More Idaho Fails - 'Santa's Comeing'

Yes, once again Idaho does not disappoint with readerboard misspellings and errors.

This week's gaffe?  'Santa's Comeing.'

The best part of this picture was the story that resulted from me stopping and snapping this photo.

I park in the parking lot, get out, and start to take the picture.  A man comes out of Leo's Place (a local Chuck E Cheese wannabe) and stomps over to me.

"Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?"

I point to the sign, after I'm done taking the picture:  "What do you think I'm doing?"  I'm grinning.

He looks at the sign, looks at me, and goes "Aww shit" and stomps away.

I'm laughing.  I yell to him "Don't forget to change it on both sides!" and he flips me off.

As of this morning, the sign has been fixed.

Just... beware on December 17th... Because Santa is comeing...


Enraging The OCD In You

I don't 'officially' have OCD, but I like things in their place.

Plus I'm in Marketing and make promos/flyers for my company.  I've channeled my inner-OCD to make magic happen.

Which is why I have an eye for things that are out of place, or just don't look right...

Prepare to rage.

I noticed this on my can of Rockstar earlier this week.  Yes, the star is covering the 't' so that little chunk could be the base of the 't,' but look at line thickness for the other letters.

Then back to the nub.

Back to the letters...

...then back to the nub.  'Rockstar' uses a thinner font and 'recovery' has the thicker font.  That nub... it's laughing at you...

Good job Rockstar.  I love your lemonade energy+electrolytes, but I CAN'T LOOK AT YOUR CAN.

After that incident, I decided to search the web for other pictures that make the inner-OCD in all of us cringe.  Enjoy:

...but I only took a slice...



Fuck you, Heinz.

Is this right?  Wrong?  No right answer?  OH GOD WHAT DO I DO???
Whether you truly have OCD or not, if you're as pissed as I am, you're not alone.

(now share this post and piss off your friends!


That Stupid 'Bloggerblog' Pop-up is Gone Now...

I now remember how much I love editing HTML and making changes to my site... heh.

People who have visited my blog in the last week or so have been treated to a 'bloggerblog' widget thingie asking for a user name and password.

If you clicked 'cancel' it would have bypassed the popup and let you into my blog, but a lot of people didn't know that.

Which is why my pageviews have been hurting. And probably why I've lost a small handful of readers.

Well, it's fixed now.  Turns out the sharing widget I used to use on the bottom of my posts has died.  I'm not sure if the host just got sick of the linkbacks or if he got hacked, but the widget died and then the popup started.

After spending a decent amount of time Sunday reconfiguring the code on my blog, the problem has been solved.

Meanwhile, I feel like this:

Happy Monday!  And Welcome Back!